So this is not at all what I intended to blog about.  I totally had a lovely easy summer quinoa salad recipe to share...I'll post it soon if you're interested.  However, my experience yesterday changed my mind.

I felt a bit weird going to work, but started teaching Barre class on Thursday as usual ( this week we had a heat wave themed playlist). Towards the end of class I noticed my heart rate was unusually high, and I felt really lightheaded.  I legit thought I would pass out. However, not wanting to seem "off"  I finished class... and commenced a full on panic attack.  The likes of which I haven't suffered in awhile. 

Y'all know, if you have followed us, that I have suffered with anxiety for the last few years.  Everyone always asks, out of genuine concern, what brings these panic attacks on.  I'm always at a loss to answer this, as life is just as it always is.  Filled with stress, and excitement, and love, and frustration, and hope, and disappointments. These are the fillings of every life well lived.  Right?  So why are some us of better equipped than others to handle this mélange of feelings?

 It took our amazing Michelle to point out that I am a perfectionist.  I listened to her opinion as I laid there convulsing with a racing heart and a feeling of imminent doom.  She pegged me as well as any psychiatrist.  I'm a closet perfectionist.  Great.  Now what? 

 Going through some old journals I see recurring ideas, beliefs, and mindsets.  I see the Perfectionist me jumping off the pages through time.  This humbled me, and saddened me.  Is it possible to change one's nature in sake of a better health and a better life? 

I think YES.  Maybe that's again the Perfectionist...looking to be better.  To fix me.  Regardless, I feel the endeavor is a worthwhile one.  So I'll share my journey with you, as I am assured I am not alone.  

The Plan:

1.  Awareness. 

Become aware of the recurring thought patterns that dominate the mind.  Journaling again will be very helpful here, but I plan to also spend time in silence daily.  Just mindful silence...not trying to force myself to meditate, just sitting with ME. EEK!!

2. Acceptance

Hmm. This is harder.  I need to accept that my nature is not always the best for me.  I mean, maybe SOMETIMES I'm right, right? I choose to lovingly correct myself.  This will be a challenge, but this change will be worthwhile.  For me, this will be the most challenging part. 

3. Thought Repatterning

Finally!  I get to DO something, and do it just right!!  Hold up there...this is also quite challenging. This will involve replacing harmful, repetitive thoughts with new, nurturing ones.  Super new agey.  I'm going to be seeking some help on this one. I have a few jumping points though:

I will nurture myself as well as others today

I will take the time to rest and nourish myself

It is okay to say NO

It is okay if you don't make everyone else happy

Will the world end if XYZ doesn't get done today?

You do NOT have to do everything alone. 

I thank you all for listening to my personal therapy sesh.  I genuinely hope that if some of you can see just a bit of yourselves here, that you too will use a little Thought Repatterning. My best wishes to all of you.  And a giant THANK YOU for being you.